


Bluewing

by elletromil



Series: Choking up on love [2]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease except with Butterflies, Happy Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 16:13:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16287767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elletromil/pseuds/elletromil
Summary: Sometimes, he gets coughing fits and he thinks that this is it, this is when the monster will escape his cage of flesh and repressed memories, but so far, it’s only been butterflies.Harry Hart has not only forgotten the last decades of his life, but why he's coughing up butterflies.





	Bluewing

**Author's Note:**

> So if you know me, you know that I can't do angst without giving it a happy ending. Here's the happy ending to the previous angst.

He wakes up without a clue as to how he got here, only the migraine plaguing him stopping him from really freaking out. Thankfully, he doesn’t have to wait long before who he assumes is a doctor to come up at his side. She is gorgeous and her eyes are kind, but for some reason, he feels like her kindness doesn’t have the right shade.

It’s a weird thought that is easily explained by the head injury she tells him he’s suffered from and it reassures him enough that he goes back to sleep.

When he wake up again however, migraine gone but with a niggling  _something_  in his guts, he cannot dismiss it so easily. Something is definitely  _wrong_.

He’s told he’s forgotten a lot even if he doesn’t know how that’s possible. He still remembers the names of all his favourite butterflies, either common or scientific. It cannot be as bad as what Dr Ginger tells him it is if he does, right?

But then he realises that he always goes back to thinking of the papilio glaucus, commonly known as the eastern tiger swallowtail, and maybe, maybe he really forgot something. Why else would he be obsessing about only  _one_  butterfly otherwise? And about a yellow butterfly what’s more. He’s always been more partial to the blue ones.

That’s why he agrees to stay longer. Why he agrees to a private room that feels like a cell.

He’s glad he did when the nightmares start. He never remembers much besides the blood and the pain, but it’s enough to think that whatever happened to get him here, it might be a good thing that he cannot leave.

Something is clawing at his chest from the inside and he fears it might be a monster.

A monster he’s forgotten about, but one that wears his face.

*

He’s not  _happy_ , but he figures he’s content enough.

Dr Ginger makes sure he has all the books on butterflies and moths he might want and all the supplies he mights need that he doesn’t want to leave his room much except for his scheduled visit to the infirmary or session at the gym.

He wishes sometimes that he could go out, feel the wind in his hair again, but he’s also afraid that this is exactly what the monster is waiting for to burst through.

Sometimes, he gets coughing fits and he thinks that this is it, this is when the monster will escape his cage of flesh and repressed memories, but so far, it’s only been butterflies.

All swallowtails of course and Harry has a newfound appreciation for them even though he was weirded out at first. But he’ll take the yellow butterflies over the alternative any day, even if they were rather hard to explain to Dr Ginger at first. Thankfully, she’s long stopped asking now.

He wonders what he did to deserve such protection. His nightmares leave him little doubt that whoever he became, he wasn’t a good man. And yet for some reason, the butterflies continues to fight his inner demon tirelessly. They bring him the strength to not give up on himself.

If such beautiful creatures are helping him, than surely he’s still worth saving.

*

Besides polite curiosity, he’s careful not to react to the two men who burst into his room about a year after he first woke up with no memories of the life he had led.

They both feel familiar and he is so very tempted to lean into their gentle touches, but at the same time, he dreads what it means. If they knew him when he was a monster and cared for him, what does that make them?

He’s convinced he’s made the right decision when the butterflies in his stomach get more restless than usual every time his eyes meet the young man’s guarded ones. He takes it as a warning to stay away, no matter how much he wants to know which hue they turn when they’re filled with kindness.

Maybe they’re not monsters themselves. Maybe they’re innocents. Maybe they never knew what was hiding right underneath the veneer of good manners.

It’s all the more reason to protect them by keeping his distance.

When they leave, disappointed by his lack of recognition, he coughs up two butterflies. It’s the first time there’s more than one and he’s terrified by what it might means.

*

For one perfect moment, he remembers, but he doesn’t remember  _everything_.

He knows Valentine has to be stopped, knows the fate of the world depends on it. But he also knows that he  _trusts_  Eggsy, at least as much as he’s trusted Merlin since he’s known him and thus, he believes him when he tells him that jt's okay, that Valentine’s been dealt with.

Then they’re  _hugging_  and Harry remembers that he  _loves_  Eggsy, loves him more than he’s loved anyone in his life before. The butterflies calm down in his stomach as they embrace and Harry closes his eyes to savor it, leaning into the contact without any reservation.

Thankfully, before he can make a fool of himself by doing something like pressing a kiss against Eggsy’s hair, the memory of their fight comes back to him.

The butterflies grow agitated again, with the words Eggsy whispers against his shoulder. “I’ve missed you Harry.”

He keeps his eyes closed and nods imperceptibly, afraid that only butterflies will come out if he tries to open his mouth. Even if what Eggsy is saying is true, even if he’s really missed him and even if a year of guilt and grief have made him forget what a freak Harry truly is, Harry hasn’t. Eggsy will never love him, even if he isn’t the monster he had feared himself to be for the past year.

In fact, he’s not sure which one of two would have been worse.

Is it better that he can look at his reflection in the mirror now without shame over his past actions? Or would it have been better if he had been forever afraid of the darkness in his soul but keep his heart intact?

They’re interrupted by Merlin before he can come to a decision and he’s grateful for the distraction. He’s even more grateful when they leave him alone so that he can change into a suit and he hopes that they’re not looking through the glass when he cannot stop the four swallowtails to fly out of his throat anymore.

*

He’s told the butterflies he’s hallucinating is probably a side-effect of gaining back his memories.

It’s a good theory, but he knows it’s wrong.

The butterflies that have been growing inside of him for close to two years now are simply starting to attack his brain since he’s remembered the painful truth of his unrequited love. The only thing that could save him now is an operation, but they don’t have time for that.

The world depends on him.

 _Eggsy_  depends on him.

His love might never be shared, but he believes in him.

Harry could never refuse him anything, even if dies trying.

Nothing can prevent his death now anyway, he might as well make himself useful until the inevitable.

*

They all survive somehow.

Merlin is still unconscious and his legs cannot be saved, but at least he’ll live to be grumpy another day. Harry wished he had been faster than his old friend. That he could have taken his place so that he wouldn’t have to pay such a price. It’s not like he’s going to live for long anymore.

Probably only long enough to see Eggsy make up with Princess Tilde, even if he swears she’s only just a friend. He deserves this kind of happiness, even if it means Harry’s doom. At least, knowing him happy would sweeten his bitter end a bit.

It’s getting very hard to stop the butterflies now and he’s grateful that everyone seem so busy making sure the world recovers. That means he’s left mostly alone and there’s no one to see the swallowtails in his room. Since they’ve come back to Statesman after defeating Poppy, he must have cough up a dozen butterflies already. Maybe more. It’s hard to keep track of which ones are physical and which ones only resides in his mind.

It’s closed to midnight when he dares steps out of his room to go look for something to eat. It’s kind of pointless of course, but he’s not letting himself die of hunger.

He’s nearly walked down the whole corridor when he hears atrocious coughing from another room, one so painful it makes him wince in sympathy. Without wanting to, he turns towards the sound and he can make out a slightly open door in the shadows.

The coughing stops suddenly and he’s about to walk away when something comes flying out through the crack.

His feet carry him closer despite himself and he gasps in soft awe at the beautiful myscelia ethusa, more commonly known as the mexican bluewing, fluttering in front of his face. It’s so gracious and Harry thinks that it would make for a rather fetching display if it were to be encased with one of his yellow swallowtail.

Then the door open up all of the way and he’s suddenly face to face with Eggsy, the young man looking more and more frightened by the seconds.

“Harry- I- You- It’s not what you think!”

He frowns because he wasn’t thinking anything, but now he cannot help but think that there is definitely something to think about here. He’s just not sure what and Eggsy doesn’t seem inclined to tell him.

Before either of them can say anything more however, Eggsy starts coughing and there is no mistaking the sheer panic on his face. He tries fruitlessly to shove Harry away when he steps closer to make sure he doesn’t fall over, but there’s nothing to stop the coughs.

At least not until he finally spits out another bluewing, the butterfly not resting long in his hand until it flies off to join the first one.

Harry glances at the two butterflies for a second before he looks back to Eggsy, but Eggsy won’t meet his eyes looking more embarrassed than he’s ever seen him.

He smiles sadly, glad for his control so that none of his swallowtails can escape to join Eggsy’s butterflies.

“It’s okay Eggsy. But really, you should call her before it gets worse.”

Princess Tilde truly must be an admirable young woman for Eggsy to suffer from the same condition as Harry does. But he would be very surprised to learn his love isn’t reciprocated. After all, she called him when she was in trouble, trusted him when she was scared, believed he would save her. If she isn’t also in love with him, Harry doesn’t know if the world truly is worth saving anymore.

“I’m sorry, I should call who?” Even if it’s with confusion, at least now Eggsy is looking at him. “Wait, do you mean Tilde? Are you still going on about that? I told you she was just a friend!”

Harry simply raises an eyebrow at that, inclining his head in the direction the butterflies have left. Clearly,  _they_  don’t lie.

Somehow, this only seem to infuriate Eggsy more and he looks about two seconds away from hitting Harry. “For fuck sake bruv! I’ve had them for like two years! Those are because of  _you_!”

As soon as he’s said it, Eggsy’s hand comes up to cover his mouth and all the fight seems to leave him. But even if he looks away, he doesn’t try to leave. No, instead, he stands his ground, looking much like a condemned man must look before the nook.

The silence stretches between them, uncomfortable, but Harry cannot break it. He tries to, opens and closes his mouth quite a few time in fact, but no sounds come out. No butterflies either. Harry cannot even feel them flying in his stomach anymore and oh, this feels so weird after nearly a full year of the sensation.

Then Eggsy starts laughing, the sound bitter and broken, and he shakes his head, still avoiding Harry’s gaze.

“Of course I’m not even worth a rejection.” He leans heavily against the doorframe, defeated. “I’m just a chav pretending something he’s not, it probably never crossed your mind that I could- That I would- I-” His words are getting choked up, not because he’s trying not to cough, but because he’s trying not to cry and Harry… Harry truly is the monster he believed himself to be for close to a year for not having reacted already.

“Oh  _Eggsy_.” And before Eggsy can escape back into his room, Harry drags him into a tight embrace, not letting himself get pushed away. He’s been a coward for too long, it’s time he finally says what has been in his heart all along. “My dear, dear boy. It never crossed my mind that you could love me  _back_.”

Eggsy stops fighting him at that and he cannot see him, but Harry can  _feel_  the disbelief in him. “What? No, don’t- don’t do that Harry, don’t fucking lie to me, that’s not- that’s-”

“I’m not, Eggsy, I’m not lying I swear. Even without my memories, somehow my heart was still yours.” He takes a chance and moves so that he can cup Eggsy’s cheeks in his hands, hoping he will read the honesty in his eyes. “I’ve got the butterflies in my room to prove it.” And then, slowly, carefully, letting Eggsy plenty of time to push him away, he leans forward until their lips meet in what starts as a chaste kiss but soon turn into so much more.

Needless to say, it’s only the next morning that Harry gets to show Eggsy the yellow swallowtails in his room, even if Eggsy doesn’t need the proof anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone is curious about the [mexican bluewing](https://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.butterfliesandmoths.org%2Fsites%2Fdefault%2Ffiles%2Fstyles%2Fbamona_scale_and_crop_480x360%2Fpublic%2Ffilefield_paths%2Fmexican-bluewing-2.jpg%3Fitok%3Dr-UiCuA-&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.butterfliesandmoths.org%2Fspecies%2FMyscelia-ethusa&docid=U0TwQzfLGkGPjM&tbnid=bwKfdw0FD5zz7M%3A&vet=10ahUKEwj325qLtoTeAhXhYd8KHYGNAtQQMwgzKAAwAA..i&w=480&h=360&bih=723&biw=1536&q=mexican%20bluewing&ved=0ahUKEwj325qLtoTeAhXhYd8KHYGNAtQQMwgzKAAwAA&iact=mrc&uact=8), this is it :)


End file.
